Zane's Advice
If you would like to ask an advice question, please email me at zane@eroticanoir.com
Question:
hey girl I got your e-mail and I am going to try that next time. as for that Friday his sorry ass punked out on eating my coochie so I totally got turned off and went to bed cuz if a nigga ain't lickin it he certainly ain't gone stick it. I have another question though what about the bed action how can I ride in the bed without looking like its my first time and any more dick sucking techniques and how to make sex better would be well appreciated!!!! oh yeah do you know of anything i can put in my mouth besides ice while sucking the dick that would give my man more pleasure?????? aight that's all bye girl.
Response
The best way to make sex better is ALWAYS by discussion, meaning that you should tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. Sex toys are always good, doing it in unusual places never fails, and nice, sensual massages can be the ultimate form of foreplay. As for riding a dick in bed, because of the angle of a man's dick, I would suggest you lean down close to his face and rub his chest with your hands because it feels good to him and because it helps you keep your balance. Go nice and slow, squeeze your vaginal muscles as tight as you can when you go up and down, and talk to him (men love women to talk to them and tell them how good it feels). That will distract his mind from anything you might possibly be doing wrong. Dick sucking is truly an art form and ultimately, the only way to become an expert is by doing it and discovering your high points and low points. As for what to put in your mouth, Altoids put ice to shame any damn day. :-)
Peace,
Zane
Question:
Hi, I am a young teenager and am going out with a guy that wants a blowjob and he wants me to ride him. I really love him but I can't get up the nerve to tell him that I can give him a blowjob whenever he wants but I can't ride him cuz I have my period. Half the time I don't have my period. I am afraid to tell him that I am scared. I don't want him to ram me hard, I want it gentle. I am afraid he won't like that.
Thanks, In Love But Afraid
Response:
Dear In Love But Afraid:
Let me say this right off of the bat. NEVER do anything sexually that you feel uncomfortable with. When you say young teenager, how old does that mean exactly? I know you don't want to hear this but you might not need to be having sex in the first place. The mere fact that you feel uneasy about talking to him about something that bothers you so much shows that their is something wrong with the relationship that you are in. How old is the male you are having sex with? Is he around the same age as you or older?
If you are giving him blowjobs, you need to make sure that he is wearing a condom and ALWAYS practice safe sex, whether vaginal or oral sex. Since you are scared, you need to seriously reconsider what you are doing. You really love him and I understand that, but that love should be reciprocal. If it is, then he should be able to understand any and all of your feelings. If he truly loves you, he will stay by your side and make love to you the way that you want: gently. You are going to have to discuss this with him because you should never fear the reaction of a person that you are intimate with.
Please email me back and let me know what is going on with you. I am extremely concerned about your welfare.
Peace and Blessings,
Zane
Question:
Sister Zane:
I was wondering what should I do to get the attention of a brother I want to have sex with? Ok, I am a beautiful, sensual sister with a nice figure and all, but I do not know how to exude sexuality in my behavior. As a Black woman, yes I should know this. I flirt a little here and there, and I can turn brothers on mentally. I do turn heads, but how do I maintain that attention?
Female friends, say it is my mannerisms, men look at me all the time, but I pay them no mind because I am afraid of getting rejected...I guess. I just don't know, male friends say brothers are crazy to not go for me, because I have it all. But they also suggest that my mentality frightens weak brothers. I know it is not all on the brothers, and there are things I need to work on myself as well.
Please respond.
Exuding Confidence
Response:
Dear Exuding Confidence:
Alot of it depends on your situation. Is this someone you work with or someone you know on a casual basis. You say you want to have sex with him, but do you want a serious relationship as well? I will assume that you know him casually and that you do want a relationship. Therefore, my suggestion would be for you to invite him out on a date. I wouldn't have him come over to your home because some men feel like they are put on the line to either perform or get kicked to the curb. Invite him out for drinks and dinner. Someplace quiet but not overkill. Don't go to a movie because that leaves two hours of time where you can't really talk at all. Save that for later. Tell the brotha that you admire him, that you think he has it going on, and ask him about his life goals. Where does he see himself in five years? What is he searching for in life? In a woman? Be open and honest and discuss your own needs because there can be no progress without discussion. If all of his answers seem satisfactory, and by this time he should definitely know you are interested in him, make a move on him after dinner. You don't have to sleep with him the first night, but leave him with something to think about. Actually, it would probably be better if you made him wait awhile because he'll want you more.
I can relate to how you feel because I was like that for years. I looked straight through men while they were looking at me because I wasn't interested in yet another disappointing relationship and a bunch of Jerry Springer drama. Then I read a quote that summed it all up to me, "The past is a guiding post and not a hitching post." That it is. It is important that we learn from the past but we must not dwell in it. While the men that rejected or hurt you are somewhere getting it on with their new women, you are hindering your own happiness by letting the maggots remain in your thoughts. Learn to judge each man individually because there are a lot of sincere, romantic brothers out there that are just as apprehensive about approaching women they are interested in. Guess why? Fear of rejection.
Please go for it because life is short. Let me know what happens.
Please go for it because life is short. Let me know what happens.
Peace and Blessings,
Zane
Question:
hello! I loved your site. i learned and am amused about the sexual experiences. I have questions about anal sex. my boyfriend wants to and we tried it once but it was so painful. and I am afraid to do it again help please. another thing is how to i please my man by sucking his dick. how do I do that.
Response:
As far as sucking dick, please check out my manual entitled "How To Really Fuck A Man: The Bottom Line" at http://www.eroticanoir.com/manual.html
I think you will find it very helpful because I go into sucking dick in detail.
As for anal sex, it is not for everybody. If you are totally comfortable about trying it again and not just to please him, then try this. Lie in the bed with your back to him and relax by holding conversation. Let the head of his dick press up against your ass and take total control. Gently, and at your own pace, ease back onto his dick, even if it is only for a centimeter at a time. This might take quite a while but take it in stages, making sure that your anal muscles are completely relaxed before you take any more of his dick in. If it becomes too painful, stop and tell him you can try it again later. Once you do get enough of it in (it doesn't have to be all of it), then you stay in control and start moving around on his dick. If he is not down with this plan, then tell him all bets are off. You are the one intaking something into your rectum; not him.
Please let me know what happens.
Peace and Blessings,
Zane
Question:
HEY, ZANE, I HAVE A PROBLEM, NO MATTER WE I TRY I CAN NOT CUM. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING WITH MEN AND BY MYSELF. CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME POINTERS. I NEED MAJOR HELP!!!
THANKS,
EXTREMELY BACKED UP
Response:
Dear Extremely Backed Up:
Are you sure you have tried EVERYTHING? Vibrators? Dildos? Telling your man what you need from him? Does he perform oral sex on you? If so, then that really only leaves one thing. You have some sort of mental block that is keeping you from obtaining an orgasm. Nothing kills an orgasm faster than stress. When you have sex, is your mind on something else? Try to clear your mind and just concentrate on the moment. If you need more foreplay, tell him so. If you want him to bang you up against the wall, tell him. If you want to go have sex in an unusual place, go for it. There is nothing worse than having sex and not getting any satisfaction out of it. Unfortunately, there are a lot of women in your same predicament. Are you in a serious relationship or are you seeing various men? Is there something in your past that affects the way you deal with them? I still believe that masturbation is the key. If you are masturbating and not getting satisfaction from it, then you are doing something wrong. When you have the space and opportunity, start masturbating and do not stop until you have an orgasm, even if it takes all night. Remember that out of all the sex toys, all the men, and all the foreplay, the mind is the most sexual body part of all. Until you can free it, you will probably continue to be backed up.
Peace,
Zane
Question:
My so called stepbrother (my moms boyfriends of 8 years son) just recently told me that he likes me and has for a long time. He had been trying to deny the feelings for years, but now he realizes that he can't go on wondering what if? I am in a relationship right now, and I do care for my stepbrother,
but I know too much about him. He has dated my friends, I have dated his, and I don't think that it could work. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to pass up what might be meant to be. A lot of people who know us, have always said that we liked each other, but I never thought about it like that.
We have known each other for about 15 or more years. He thinks that I might be the one for him. What should I do, do I run from these feelings and just remain friends, or do I just go with the flow and let what's meant to be, be?
Lost and Confused in Memphis
Response:
Dear Confused,
I am sorry it took me so long to respond, but I really wanted to give your dilemma some serious thought. My first inclination was to tell you to go for it, if and only if you have true feelings for him. However, you said something to the effect that you had never really thought about it. That leads me to think that you are only considering this because he brought it up and has probably laid it on you pretty thick. Don't enter into a relationship with your stepbrother unless you have romantic feelings for him.
Will it work if you do? Good question and you are probably the best judge of that. On top of the normal problems of any relationship, you will both have your parents and friends (you did say you have dated each other's friends) to contend with. Most parents would have a problem with this budding situation, but your parents might be cool. You need to know that for sure though so I suggest making a fleeting, teasing remark in front of them alluding to hooking up with him, and see what they say. The next thing you need to think about is whether or not your friends will try to sabotage the relationship because of romantic interest they might have in one of you.
To me, there just seems to be a whole lot that could go wrong. Add to that the fact that you are already in a relationship. What becomes of him? Is this a serious relationship? Is it one that holds a possible commitment in the future? Do you really want to give it up?
Last, but definitely not least, what would be the backlash if you got together with him, fell head over heels in love, made plans, and then ended up breaking up? You could never go back to the way things are now. As you as you realize that and you are willing to take that risk, as long as you examine everything before you act, then follow your heart. Just make sure you are following your heart and not his.
Peace,
Zane
Question:
Hello Zane:
First I wanted to say I think that your web site is all of that. It is so reassuring to see stories and advice from African American individuals. After reading your Q & A section, I have a situation that requires good advice. Since you have given good advice to the individuals I've read, here goes my situation:
I just turned thirty and have been a virgin up until two months ago. I come from a family, that religion requires you to stay a virgin until you are married. I have dated several men, but when it got to that intimate moment and I didn't put out the relationship went sour.
I met this Jamaican man two months ago (I guess you can see who I gave my virginity to) and he is a very sexual Scorpio. I didn't tell him I was virgin right away for fear of two things: one he would be too anxious to pop the cherry or two, he would run away. Finally, after nights of him trying to perform oral sex on me, I allowed him. I enjoyed it a great deal. However, it wasn't at all like I thought it would be. He was about to make love to me next when I stopped him and told him I was a virgin. He sat back on the couch and was in a complete daze. He looked at me and just started to
massage my legs. He said "I never had a virgin before."
After that night he tried endlessly to sleep with me, coming later and later to my house. Conveniently not showing on time to avoid going to the movies or dinner. I decided I was tired of being a virgin and was sexually frustrated. I agreed to have sex with him but at a nice place for my first time. We went to the Inn of the Dove. It was very nice. I was looking for a beautiful night. However, that did not happen. He quickly took a shower
and then told me to go get into something comfortable.
I had a nice silk gown with a split up the side that accented all of the right places. I lied next to him and he dimmed all the lights, except for the one over us (I was mortified). He got right on me and started to enter me. No foreplay or anything. The music channel had a rock song playing or something; he didn't even change the channel. He had a hard time entering me because I was so tight. He pulled me to the edge of the bed and entered me. I was in such pain and felt such great pressure, but I endured it because I knew this was how it was supposed to be my first time (little did I know). He came right away. He came out with a wet wash cloth and handed it to me afterwards.
Fifteen minutes later he was in full form again. This time he positioned my legs in the air and deep thrusted me. I was in extreme pain and asked that my legs be put down. I got comfortable and started to enjoy the sex, but he quickly put my legs up again. He lasted what seemed to be hours (ten minutes
to be exact) and he came hard and screamed. I lied there frustrated and unsatisfied. I refuse to let him touch me the rest of the night.
The next morning he woke me up by grinding his penis up against my buttocks. We had sex twice before leaving. I forgot to mention the little details like him holding me all night, and each time we made love (if that's what you want to call it), but I couldn't stand him to touch me.
I didn't call him for a while afterwards, although he constantly called me. I didn't like the sex and thought this is how it was going to be with everyone else I decide to be intimate with. We had sex one more time, but before we did I told him how I felt. I told him that I was not satisfied and I did not climax. When we had sex again, he took it slow this time and did
what I told him, but only last one minute. I was mortified. I didn't want to have sex with him anymore, because I think he is selfish.
I guess I'm asking am I'm the one selfish, or am I doing something wrong; is it me? Did he use me? Are all men like this with sex?
Confused
Response:
Confused,
Stay away from him! I am so upset that you waited for so long to lose your virginity only to end up with an insensitive dog, that I wish I could get a hold of him and beat his ass myself. No, not all men are like that with sex. Unfortunately, quite a few of them are. I implore you not to give up on finding the right man for you, but proceed with extreme caution.
If this man is still calling you, tell him in no uncertain terms to stop. Any one that selfish with you knowing that you were a virgin will continue to be selfish both in and out of the bedroom. I wouldn't give his ass the time of day from here on out.
You need a real man that is capable of giving you the type of love, tenderness and reciprocity in lovemaking that you deserve. You gave him a very precious part of yourself and he took it for granted. No foreplay? No orgasm? You don't need a man like that in your life. Your body is your temple and you have to be extremely careful about who you allow to commune inside of it.
I would suggest meeting men from your church, since you come from an extremely religious family. You need a man that mirrors your beliefs, one you have something in common with, and one that will treat you like the Nubian Queen that you are. The Jamaican fool is not him.
I can't tell you how much something like this upsets me. Men don't realize that making love is not fucking and that they are not the only ones that are supposed to leave satisfied with the experience. I wish you the best. I really do. I hope that you will stay in touch and let me help you celebrate when you do find a man worthy of your affection.
Peace,
Zane
Question:
My male friend and I have been talking for about a year now and are ready to take it to the next level. The only problem is that he refuses to perform oral sex on me, he has never tried it, and does not plan on trying it anytime in the near future. Now me myself I love to perform oral sex on my male friends, but not without getting anything in return. I care about this guy a lot, but he is just too boring in the bedroom department. I like to try new and exciting things. He is more concerned with getting his getting his nut and going to sleep. Now I am a very sexual person in nature, and sex is a big issue to me. Please tell me how I can get my man to try some new things. And how I can get him to perform oral sex on me.
Will He Or Won't He
Response:
Will He Or Won't He,
I wish I could tell you there is some secret mojo you can put on him to get him under your spell. Unfortunately, if he is as stubborn as you say, there may not be a chance in hell of him performing oral sex on you. If I were you, I wouldn't perform oral sex on him either. He seems very selfish and self-centered. What makes him think you get any joy from watching him bust a nut and fall asleep? That's asinine.
My personal philosophy is that if a man doesn't perform oral sex on me and make sure I have an orgasm first, there is no point in him even whipping his dick out. I would tell you just to move on and dump him, but you have a year invested in him so the feelings obviously are strong. At this point, you need to decide which is of greatest importance: being with him period or being sexually-satisfied. I hate to say it but I don't think you are going to get both.
Peace,
Zane
Question:
Zane,
I am seeing a man who gives me great sexual pleasure, we are sexually compatible except for one thing. He want to have anal sex and I don't feel comfortable with it, however, I would like to try it but I don't know how to get over that uneasy feeling. He has not pressured me, as a matter of fact he asked once and I said no and he never asked again. During foreplay he will rub my anus with his finger but he goes no further than that. We have been together for a year. Sexually, we have gone to great heights and I would like to go to the next level with him. How can I get over this feeling and try to enjoy it?
Eager To Please My Prince
Response:
Eager To Please My Prince,
Since you are really uneasy about this, I would first suggest that you do some soul-searching and decide if you really want to engage in anal sex. Are you considering doing it because he asked you, albeit once, or are you considering doing it because you think it will feel good?
If you truly desire to experience anal sex, this is my suggestion. Lie on your side, facing away from him, and tell him to lie behind you. PUT ON A CONDOM and then use some type of lubricant. Make sure it is not a lubricant that will weaken a condom such as Vaseline. Take your time, engage in conversation even, while you slowly ease back on his dick. Take it a little at a time, less than half an inch if necessary, and do not move back further until your anus is adjusted and relaxed with him inside of you.
The first time he doesn't have to put it all in. Just tell him not to make any moves and allow you to do it until you have taken all that you can bear. Then tell him to slowly start moving in and out. This is a good way to do it the first time because you are in total control. After that, if you liked it, try it again and eventually he will be able to please your anus the same way he pleases your pussy. However, if you don't enjoy it, tell him thanks for the experience but it is simply not for you.
Peace and Blessings,
Zane
Question:
Hello Zane,
I read your page on the web. I am kind of new to "eating pussy" i would like some pointers. If you could help me, that would be great. I would like to know what she really likes, and doesn't like, and if you could give me a couple pointers on foreplay and getting her "in the mood" that would be great also :) and of course any other pointers you would have would
be good too lol :)
thank you very much
Looking for Tips
Response:
Looking for Tips,
The first thing you need to do is read my manual entitled "How To Make Love To A Woman-Body and Soul". You can find it in the sex manuals section of my site. That will answer a lot of your questions.
Secondly, no one knows your woman better than her. At least, that should be the case. As much as you hate to face it, you are more than likely not her first lover. Therefore, she should be able to educate you about what does and does not turn her on. Do something most women get down on their knees and pray for their man to do. Ask her what she wants in the bedroom. That may just be the opening she was waiting for.
A lot of women don't tell their men what they want because they think the man will be offended and assume she is implying that he is a lousy fuck. Not! It is simply that people must be more open with one another, in and out of the bedroom.
As far as eating pussy, just remember not to suck too roughly on her clit because a woman's clit is just as sensitive as your balls. Would you want a woman gnawing on your balls? I don't even think so. Don't stay down there too long. You are performing oral sex; not chowing down at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Ideally, you should perform oral sex on her before you stick your dick in because it was aid greatly in her being lubricated enough to enjoy the actual sex. A lot of women fake headaches because they know their men will be finished, bust a nut, and go to sleep before they are even turned on good. Why bother if that is the case?
Make sure you engage in a lot of foreplay with your woman, both physical AND mental. Tell her why she means so much to you, but be honest. Never lie just to get sex. Most importantly, if whatever you are doing to her doesn't also do something for you, don't do it because it will definitely show.
Peace and Blessings,
Zane
Question:
Zane,
I am a young woman who just started having sex with my boyfriend, and we have a wonderful relationship, loving, caring and everything is great. But when it comes to sex I don't know what I am supposed to feel. I have never had an orgasm and this whole situation is just so new to me !!!!!!! Help. what can we do for better stimulation?
In Search of the Big O
Response:
In Search of the Big O,
You say that you are young and that is a good thing. You are asking for help and suggestions now instead of going ten more years without ever experiencing an orgasm. First off, you can expect your boyfriend to know how to stimulate you until you know how to stimulate yourself. Yes, I am telling you to masturbate. In fact, I want you to masturbate until you have an orgasm, even if you have to do it every day for the next month. That is the only way you will truly know what turns you on.
I am not saying go out and buy a vibrator or dildo. I am not even saying you actually have to finger yourself. Just lie in bed, dim the lights, put a sheet or towel between your legs, rub your nipples, and fantasize about something you have always wanted to do or experience. Dream about your boyfriend, dream about two strangers, dream about anything as long as it makes you wet.
How much do you really know about your sexual desires? Is kissing a vital part of intimacy for you? Do you like a man to fondle your breasts slowly or palm them roughly? Do you want extensive amounts of foreplay or do you prefer quickies? Do you like to be on top and in control or do you prefer for him to take total control in the bedroom? Does it turn you on to have sex in unusual places? Does the possibility of being caught by someone make sex even more enticing?
I suggest that you talk to your man. If the relationship is wonderful like you say, that should be fairly easy. You should be able to discuss any and everything with your mate. However, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, do the next best thing. Have him write down his top ten sexual fantasies and you do the same. Email them to each other. More than likely, things will come out that would never come out in words. Once you have traded lists, seriously consider doing all of them within reason and only if you are totally comfortable doing them.
Sexual-compatibility takes time and it doesn't happen over night. I know it looks like that in the movies but this is the real thing. Invest time, show patience, and eventually it will pay off. Please keep me posted.
Peace and Blessings,
Zane
Question:
ZANE,
CAN A SISTA GET SOME WORDS OF WISDOM.....P-LEASE!!! I MET THIS GUY. GREAT GUY. GORGEOUS, NICE BODY (BODYBUILDER), GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR, REALLY SWEET, FINANCIALLY SECURE, NO DRAMA, ROMANTIC, DID I SAY GORGEOUS? ONLY THING IS HE IS SO MESSED IN THE HEAD ABOUT GETTING PHYSICAL. HE IS AFRAID TO TRY BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID OF THE REJECTION. HE IS VERY LARGE AND HASN'T HAD ANY IN A YEAR BECAUSE WOMEN WON'T LET HIM NEAR THEM AFTER THEY SEE WHAT HE HAS. HE'S REALLY THICK AND 11 1/2. I TOLD HIM THAT IT'S THE GIFT THAT GOD GAVE HIM, U KNOW, THE PEP TALK. I TOLD HIM THAT THERE IS A METHOD TO EVERYTHING AND THAT I'M SURE WE COULD WORK SOMETHING OUT. I'M A TROOPER I'M NOT SCARED OF WHAT HE HAS AND WON'T REJECT HIM....WHAT CAN I DO TO SOOTHE THIS SITUATION? WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE SURE I AM READY FOR THIS AND DON'T RIP MYSELF? I MEAN HE'S BIG....NO CONDOM FITS HIM WELL EITHER AT LEAST WE HAVEN'T FOUND ANY. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
Response:
First off, let me say this: "You lucky, lucky girl!" :-)
Seriously though, I have been in this same predicament before. I was dating a guy from London that was the sweetest person and he and I really hit it off until... I saw his dick and almost fell out. He told me it was an early Christmas present. I started shaking like a leaf. Looking back on it, I wish I had the nerve to go for it. One of life's biggest regrets. I was young then and I definitely wouldn't hesitate now.
With that said, the best advice I can give you is to make him feel comfortable by telling him how much you desire to be with him, how you can take it slow at first and engage in some heavy foreplay and then move into the actual sex act. He doesn't have to push it all in you at first, maybe not even at all. It's comparable to anal sex. The best way to do that the first time is for the woman to ease back on the man's dick a little at a time. I would suggest you do the same with vaginal sex. Stick the head in and once you feel relaxed, move down on it a little further, relax and then move further.
If he is still hesitant, you might just have to plan the ultimate seduction. Plan a romantic evening and entice him into bed. As for condoms, have you tried Magnums? If those don't fit, you might have to get specialty condoms.
If you really like the man, don't give up. Life is short and you never know, he just might be the one. :-)
Peace,
Zane
Question:
Zane:
I was giving my partner a blow job when my tongue hit a spot that just tasted...odd. It didn't' have an odd smell or anything, and I did an inspection to check for sores, etc. He is uncircumcised...is what I tasted the smegma that occasionally accumulates under the foreskin?
Taste Tester
Response:
Taste Tester, I would say that is probably what you were tasting. With uncircumcised men, you have to be extra careful about hygiene and it might even come down to you cleaning him yourself before you participate in oral or vaginal sex. If the bad taste continues after that, I would suggest you investing in some flavored oils to spread on him before you head downtown. Also, if you put a breath mint, say an Altoid, in your mouth, both of you will have one hell of a good time. :-) Peace, Zane
Question:
The lady that I'm dating has a problem. Her pussy isn't very tight. She had a child about 19 months ago. I have been
reading up on Keigel from your web site. The problem that I have with her is that, when we have sex, it doesn't feel like I'm in there, and so I can't get mines, don't get me wrong, I like to be in there for a long time, but man, a brother can get tired after an hour or two. This has never be happened to me before with any other women, so I brought this to her attention, and we talked about things, I asked her if she has ever done Keigel before, and she had never heard of it before. I would like to keep this woman, she is nice and fun to be around, but if the
sex isn't there, then I'm ready to pull out. So now I'm seeking your advice on what to do, Zane please help.
Response:
I am kind of reluctant to think that childbirth in itself is causing her vaginal looseness. For some women, sexual arousal causes their vagina to balloon out to a certain extent. Pelvic exercises will certainly help over time, but for an immediate fix, I would suggest experimenting with various positions. The doggie style is especially good for increased tightness or you could try position her up high on a pillow and entering her at a downward angle. Another great position is to have her get her legs as closed as possible instead of spreading them. I love that position myself. Since you really like this woman, I wouldn't be so quick to give up because of a loose vagina. You can also try Ben Wa balls, if she is willing, because they can be very helpful for vaginal muscle control. Last but not least, you can try my own personal method. A Thighmaster placed up inside the inner thighs as opposed to inside the knees as intended. :-)
Question:
If I watch a porno should I be embarrassed if my woman walks in and I'm jerkin off?? Or should I continue and see what she does?
Response:
That depends on your woman. Do you get the impression that she frowns upon such things? Some women still have negative thoughts about their men self-pleasuring themselves, not to mention watching porno flicks. However, if she is secure in the relationship and her sexuality, she might find it arousing to see you do it. In fact, she might even join you. There is only one way to find out. Do it and see. If she completely loses it, maybe the two of you need to sit down and have a serious discussion to see if you are sexually compatible.
Question:
Wow...where do I start Zane...
First let me tell you a little about myself: I am a very attractive woman in my 40's and looking only to be in my 30's. Fair complexion with Green Eyes. I am 5ft 7in and 150lbs. I get many compliments to my beauty...but no dates....lol. I am craving the position to be a married woman. I'm tired of
being lonely and I want my own. The problem is...only young men approach me..or married men or men that have a woman. Been there done that! I am ready to settle down with a man my age. But they run the other way when I approach them...I am put into the Pretty, Yellow Woman, Good hair, light eyes and all the men want Her, category....which I hate. I have tried to develop a relationship with men my age....but like I said...they are intimidated by me (not of my will though) I am a very Romantic, Loving and Sexual woman and in my prime of life, when I do have a man in my life...but that hasn't been in a while. The type of men that I am attracted to are Large, Dark-Skinned Men...bald headed with a Pretty Smile...lol. They are very Sexy to me...but they look at me and think that they don't have a chance with me...and that isn't true. So meanwhile I stand alone and by myself with many fantasies of what I would do if I had a man....and what I would do to keep my man. But as I said...the only men that are attracted to me are younger men and men that already have a woman or married men....and that isn't what I want. I know I am a Good Black Woman with much to offer a man....But how do I over come this Syndrome that they place me in....It upsets me a great deal!!!! How do I get what I know I want and deserve?
Response:
It's ironic that you should pose this question to me now. I just attended a book club meeting yesterday where we were discussing a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is not to take things personally, especially the way others view you because it is simply the way they were trained and raised to view people. One older woman spoke about the fact that she was always confident around men, even though she is getting up in age and is large. She talked about how she flirted with a man at a fight last weekend and how he said he would never forget her because her personality was so outgoing.
The point is that you keep saying that the men you want are afraid to approach you. The solution is simple. You have to approach them and let them know you think they have it going on. It might shock them. Some of them might even pass the hell out but I am sure any man will enjoy being told a woman finds them attractive and interesting.
I too have been plagued by the younger man syndrome lately. Once I turned thirty, I had trouble finding men my own age to date. The bottom line is to be aggressive and go for what you know. You are undoubtedly attractive. Make it work to your benefit and remember to not let a moment go by if you see a man that interests you. Chances are, he will never come your way again.
Peace and Much Love,
Zane
Question:
I was wondering if masturbation is what caused my penis to curve. Do you think masturbation causes this (it goes to the left)? or am I uniquely blessed? Thanks!
Response:
While it has often been speculated that masturbation causes a curved penis, there is no evidence to that affect. I would put it right along with the other masturbation myths about becoming blind or sterile. You are just blessed, darling. Just enjoy it. I'm sure your female lovers do. :-)
Peace and Much Love,
Zane
Question:
Zane:
Let me begin this email by saying I’m coming to you because you don’t know me from Adam – at least I don’t think you do – and I’m hoping anonymity will provide you with the freedom to answer without prejudice.
I don’t have a situation, as so often is the case. There isn’t one isolated incident where I could give specific details and describe only one lady. But this is the gist of a continuous pattern of behavior: At this point, I take public transportation to work, which in Chicago is a people intense venture. In other words, lots of women. At the church I attend, I’m in a position of
authority, which also places me in view of the congregation. Let me just sum it up; I seem to get lots of stares. I don’t want to come across as vain or make it sound like I’m ‘all that’ because that’s hardly what I think. I do have to give a little detail about my person to make this clearer: I’m 5”9’, 250 lbs (with a gut), light complexion, thinning hair, a mustache and goatee, and I wear glasses. I try to dress nicely but am fairly conservative, all the time. I’m not what I would call a ‘prize.’
I guess my confusion is figuring what do the stares mean? I could understand if my hair were smooth and wavy, or my skin was clear, but to me, I have one of those faces that fades into the crowd. I’m not tall, I don’t have an athlete’s body (maybe the body of ex-football player with a huge gut!) – so why all the stares. On a few occasions, I’ve caught women staring at me like they wanted to tackle me right then and there, but why? Help me understand, what is on your minds? Oh by, the way I am married and my wife is as about as attentive as a wall. I know she has her own ‘issues’ so if she did find me attractive she wouldn’t tell me and she certainly wouldn’t be the active
aggressor. I’m sure she loves me, but even a guy wants more love than ‘I cooked dinner for you and gave you children, what more do you want.’
I guess if I sum it up, I ask this question, if they – including my wife –find anything worth looking at, is that all there is to it, is it me, or is the world just the most confusing place to live and die in anonymity?
Response:
As for the stares, most women today realize that "pretty boys" are up to no good by the time they reach a certain age. Women begin to notice other qualities in men. I get the impression that you must look like a very friendly, approachable man. Women like that.
Because of all the playas out there, black women are gradually becoming the 4th-5th generation of our race that will never be somebody's wife. If I were you, I would just be flattered like all hell and bask in the attention women are giving you. Most men would kill to get stares like that.
Peace and Much Love,
Zane
Question:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time now and I love him very much and he loves me as well. My problem is I love sucking his dick and making him cum but it tastes and smells nasty! Is there anything that can be done to change it?
Response:
I have one word for you, ALTOIDS, and I am not even kidding. Putting one of those tiny breath mints in your mouth before you go down on him will work wonders for both of you. It will increase his pleasure because of the heat and it will mask the taste of his cum so you can enjoy the experience. That is a short-term solution. The long term solution is to suggest that he bathe before you make love. Better yet, get in the shower or tub together and scrub each other down in a sensual manner. Also, what a person eats does affect the taste of their bodily fluids. Tell him to eat more fruits and vegetables. I hope this helps. Let me know.
Peace,
Zane
Question:
My problem is meeting the women.. It's not like I am unattractive or anything. I am 29...5ft 4 1/2 inches tall 230 pounds... green eyes.. got my hair cut al... nice smile...but u know I had been working out been one of my new years resolution and I been sticking to it... but I have lost 15 pounds so far this year and got 68 more pounds to go to get my ideal weight of 165 which is around October... I am hearing impaired but I can talk and read lips. I do know sign language. I got a j-o-b and I am in the process of going back to school to get a better career and more opportunities than the one I am in now.
Lately I have been working on my confidence and the way I talk to women. I know for a fact the hi baby sheyt doesn't work and that it a turn off. but I keep meeting the Married women and the one that got a man. But what you said about complimenting a woman is true. I was like dang why is she smiling or blushing when I said she was beautiful or got a nice smile. I guess their man isn't complimenting them. T here was this one lady that works at footlocker, she was cute and short but she was 2 months pregnant ... hell I couldn't tell lol... but I was like asking her for some help to pick out some cool Fubu shirts and she was more than willing.. then I ask if we could exchange number because I like a woman who got tastes in clothes and is kind enough to help even though it was part of her job she didn't mind helping me pick out something good... but she said like I am pregnant boo and I got a man. I was like oh damn! My bad and I ask her how many month was she and I told her congratulations. I do not have any kids yet but would like one.
I hope you can give me some advice. I am not trying to be a player or a baller or a pimp. I just a nice guy that would like some female friends and date some women for a change. And I guess I be ready to settle down when a woman hit me so good overall as a potential lifelong partner then I be ready. But she gotta hit me like Mike Tyson would knock out somebody in the 1st or 2nd round.
If you can't it is all good. I do appreciate you letting me vent atcha.
Response:
I think you are just caught up in a cycle that a lot of single people find themselves in these days. For some reason, there are a lot of eligible people but none of them are hooking up. I would just relax, go with the flow, and eventually the right woman will come along when you least suspect it. That is great that you are losing the weight because anything that helps you feel better about yourself is a definite plus. I have a bachelor
page on my site if you would like to add your picture and a brief bio. I am not sure what kind of feedback the men are getting but you are more than welcome to place yours on there.
-Zane
Question:
Here is a question? There is this cool guy that I like
we have been intimate friends for a year. we are both
in our 40's (44) we knew each other 20 years ago in
high school and we played around during those times but the sex wasn't as good as the foreplay (we were young) now it is great. I've tried things that I wouldn't
with others. our times together are magical. we are
good together. we have so much in common. my question? can our passion turn into love? I am in love with him, but I won't tell him? cause he used to be a player and is used to women chasing after him and going crazy. I am not doing that and he is eating it up. I would like to be his wife or lover until we are too old to care. I just feel if we are meant to be we will be with no help from me. we have great talks, we are both into
politics and community affairs. we would be
perfect...is there any hope for us?
Response:
I would say there is a lot of hope for your relationship. Even the biggest playas eventually run out of steam. There comes a time when a man starts worrying more about the quality of women then the quantity. Just like you used to think that driving a car and hanging out at clubs was thrilling, I'm that all changed by the time you hit 30. The two of you seem to have a lot in common and I would venture to guess that you won't have to help the situation out much at all. Like you said, he is eating up the fact that you are not chasing after him. Most men relish it when the pressure is taken off and they can just take their time developing the feelings they need to go long term. You love him and that is a definite plus. If I were you, I would just take it one day at a time, let him know that you do care deeply for him, and wait for him to take the leap. I have a feeling it will be a whole lot sooner than you think. :-)
-Zane
Question:
I've always had a problem with reaching orgasm from intercourse and this has not only frustrated me, but also my sexual partners. I've done a lot of reading, tried different positions and techniques, but I just can not reach orgasm unless I am in control of the movements. And, you know how some men are....they just can't understand that they need a little help. What's your advice on this situation?
-Ms Taking Too Long
Response:
Ms Taking Too Long,
Forget the man understanding what you need. Do you know what you need? The word for today is masturbation. Let me spell it out for you, M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N. Reading is admirable, trying different techniques and positions is all good but.....make yourself cum. I mean really cum! While the companionship, the intimacy and the emotions are all vital factors of making love, cumming is always a bonus. Why should you be missing out on the dividends?
If you don't know how to masturbate, then learn. I will make it easy for you. Read my two manuals, The Art of Masturbation and How to Really Fuck a Man-The Bottom Line. I cover female masturbation in detail in both of them.
I understand that the man plays a significant part in the scenario but you have to learn about yourself, your body and your needs before you can expect a man to satisfy all of them. Men are not psychic. Does your man even know you don't cum regularly or are you a faker like a lot of the sexually-repressed sistahs out here? If you think my suggestion about masturbation is nasty, then that is part of the problem. You need to free your mind and free your coochie too while you are at it. Masturbation is not nasty and it won't make you blind either like so many people believe. If you don't want to touch yourself down there, then why should a man? Men do it all the time and his bathroom might see a lot more action than your bedroom. Don't get it? I rest my case!
-Zane
Question:
I'm lucky that I have a mate who has the same sexual appetite that I do. We're both full of creativity, adventure, and spontaneity and it's awesome! The only problem is, just when I'm ready to pull an all-nighter, he's ready to take a nap. At what age do men get like this and are there ways to help them with it? In other words, can you suggest something other than Viagra to keep him awake and aroused...after we've already been through a couple of rounds? Or, should I be grateful for that and just go to sleep?
-Too Much Stamina
Response:
Too Much Stamina,
I wish I had an easy answer for you but some men just can't hang more than one or two times a night. Granted, it is a little bit easier for us women to hang since we don't have to worry about "getting it up". But still, it can be very disappointing to a woman when she is ready to rock a man's world and he is more concerned with getting some sleep. From your initial description of him, he sounded like the ultimate lover but then your very next sentence made him seem like a two-minute brother. Is he both? :-)
I don't think there is any particular age that a man tends to fall asleep immediately after sex. In fact, I think men are like a day. In the morning (teenage to mid-20's), they get theirs, doze off and then wonder why the young woman is smacking her lips and rolling her eyes when he wakes up in the morning with a hard-on wanting some more before school or work. In the afternoon (mid-20's to mid-40's), they realize that it is just as important to please their lover as it is for their lover to please them and hence, they make a sincere effort to do so. In the evening, (mid-40's and up), they begin to feel like they came, they saw, they conquered and now they just want to watch the news, maybe even a game, and then hit the sack and break you off a piece or two as the mood comes and goes.
That timeline is just a guesstimate on my part but I think you get my drift. The reality is, at no matter what age, a man needs some motivation to "get it up". Therefore, if you want some more, put on a hard hat, lay out some orange cones, hang up a Woman at Work sign and do just that. Get to work and motivate that man with some whipped cream, some sexy lingerie and finish him off with the Hoover (and I don't mean the vacuum cleaner).
-Zane
Question:
I'm not overly into receiving oral sex and I'm just wondering if I'm the only women out there with this mentality? There are many times that I stop my partner as he heads "there" and this seems to frustrate him. However, I love giving him oral sex....as a matter of fact, it's one of my biggest turn-ons. Why do you think I'm "one-sided" in this issue and what can I do to overcome it?
-SSS
Response:
Dear SSS,
You didn't specify whether or not you have problems with your current lover going downtown or everyone that has ever been there. My initial reaction, and this is not a rare situation, is that you may have a bad oral sex experience lurking in your past. Some men are so bad at performing oral sex that they have been known to turn a woman off of the idea for weeks, months and sometimes even years. However, if that is not the case and you just don't like it, then you just don't like it. Every aspect of sex if not for everybody. People like different things. If you enjoy performing oral sex on your man and don't expect him to return the favor, there is nothing wrong with that. I sense that he really wants to go "there", as you put it, so that changes things. If it is putting a damper on your relationship and you care enough for him to want to please him, teach him how to please you. If you experiment enough with it and let him know what does and does not turn you on orally, it should lead to a sensual experience for both of you. The only thing I can stress is to never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. He is getting his, royally from the way you talk since you love to go down on him, so he can't be too dissuaded about the whole thing. :-)
-Zane
Question:
In the beginning of relationships, sex is totally different (some good/some bad) than it is after a couple of years or even months. Why do you think this is?
- Changing Faces
Response:
Changing Faces,
Simply put, people tend to get lazy once they are settled into a relationship, especially if they have received the commitment they were searching for in the first place. In a sense, once they claim the golden ring (or engagement ring in some cases), they are no longer willing to jump over fences and through hoops to please their mates. This applies to both men and women. It is the responsibility of both parties in a relationship to continue to find creative and innovative ways to please one another. I realize that most people are exhausted by the time they come home from work, but you must put aside some quality time for your mate. If not, what is the point of the relationship?
Do something completely out of character like meeting him in the parking garage of his office building after work with nothing on but a trench coat and giving him something he can feel before the tedious drive home in work traffic. Go to an adult store together and purchase a sex toy both of you can utilize. Better yet, buy two of three different things while you are there. Pull the shades, bolt the doors, unplug the phones and hide out in the house for an entire weekend and stay completely undressed the entire time. Better yet, go to a hotel for the weekend and toss on a robe just long enough to answer the door for room service. Give each other a candlelight bubble bath and then lick each other dry. The list goes on and on.
The bottom line is this. You know the old adage, "If you don't make time for exercise, you'll have to make time for illness"? Well, "If you don't make time for intimacy, you'll have to make time for stress, frustration, disappointment and possibly loneliness if your partner decides to satisfy seek fulfillment of his needs elsewhere." Whatever you and your partner do to enhance your sex life, you need to do it together because a person is only as good as the lover lying beside them and reciprocity is everything.
-Zane
Question:
I would like to know what foods a man can eat to alter the taste of their cum. I saw an article in Cosmo. a while back but have not seen or heard anything else since. Thank you for your time....
-Not Yummy At All
Response:
Not Yummy At All,
The average ejaculate contains aboutonia, ascorbic acid, blood-group antigens, calcium, chlorine, cholesterol, choline, citric acid, creatine, deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), fructose, glutathione, hyaluronidase, inositol, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, purine, pyrimidine, pyruvic acid, sodium, sorbitol, spermidine, spermine, urea, uric acid, protein, enzymes, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc. The caloric content of an average ejaculate is estimated to be approximately 15 calories.
If you find that his cum has an offensive order to it, ask him to eat more fruits, sweets, glucose based foods, sweet wines, which will produce a sweet or bland ejaculate. He needs to lay off the spicy foods, strong dairy products, and put more organic foods in his body rather than non organic or commercialized foods. Change his diet for him. If he loves what you are about to do to him, he will comply.
-Zane
Question:
I have a curved penis and I'm very self conscious about it. It's not extremely curved or anything but I notice it. Most women say it does not bother them but I notice during sex that whenever I thrust hard, women seem to flinch almost as if I'm making things uncomfortable. As a result of this, I get very embarrassed whenever a partner looks directly at my penis. Am I making too much of this.
-Embarrassed
Response:
It is interesting that you should address me with that problem because I was involved in a discussion several months ago with a group of women that all claimed men with a curved penis turn them on. They said that it conformed more to the shape of their vagina and caused them to reach orgasm quickly.
Not that I have done a personal inspection of every penis in America, but I think most of them are curved to some degree. As far as the women flinching, are you well-endowed? It might be more about that than the curve. Don't feel embarrassed when a woman stares at your penis. Be proud because it is unique about you. Maybe they are staring because they like
the way it looks and more importantly, they like the way it feels. To answer your question, I think you are making way too much of this and should just continue to please your partner without any reluctance.
-Zane