I KEEP LAUGHING
BY Kaya Watson
All Rights Reserved by Author
I keep laughing because it hurts too much to do anything else.
I feel things so deeply.
Things that don't seem to bother anyone else.
Like when the fish died cuz the water was too dirty
or like having to send my puppy to the pound
cuz he was getting too big for my
little dump of an apartment.
I had to convince myself that he was just a dog.
He was just a dog.
It's only fish.
But see, I have this fear of not being able to breath
...suffocating...asphyxiating...dying.
I wondered briefly as I looked at my little dead fish
if they were suffering that same fate but I knew it was too late.
It may sound silly to you and you may even laugh
at the thought of something so small creating so much pain...
and why would I let it.
I keep laughin cuz I've gained thirty pounds
since you've been back in my life
and you and I both know
that I only gain weight when I'm unhappy.
I can't fit none of my clothes now and
I gotta wear sweat pants all the time.
I keep laughing because I can't
tell nobody what you called me that day
and I damn sure better lie
to my Momma about that window payne.
I keep laughing at the sheer stupidity
of locking myself down once again,
to a man who thinks yelling shows you care
and pain, regardless of whether it's inner or outer,
means I love you.
I keep laughing cuz I left my job because of the pain in my head
but this pain in my heart makes me wish I were dead.
I have to keep laughing so I won't catch a charge,
play God and end your life, cuz...I ain't going nowhere.
My fish tank/puppy pain ain't so funny now is it?
It's taking everything in me not to curse, scream and cry.
Why. Why! WHY!
Why do my babies have to see me go through so much?
Why do they have to live in the tension that was once a home?
Why do they have to go through the pain of
people coming and going in their life?
Why weren't they enough for me?
I keep laughing to keep from crying
cuz inside, the pain makes me feel like dying,
and I can't really tell nobody...about it.
I may seem a little silly to you
but the pain...is why I keep laughing.
Kaya Davis 2001