Zane's Sex Manuals

 

The Art of Masturbation
By Zane
Copyright©1997, 1998
All Rights Reserved
Author of The Sex Chronicles: Shattering the Myth

 

 

"When in doubt, Stroke it out !"

 

There are a lot of books trying to tell people how to masturbate but they sound more like plans to build a model car than telling how to get your freak on so, here is the art of masturbation according to Zane.

Basically, masturbation is sex involving one person but it doesn't have to mean touching your dick if you are a man "jacking off" of touching your pussy if you are a woman "jilling off". Jack and Jill; get it? 

"Manual Sex" or "Mutual Masturbation" is when two partners get each other off without actually kissing, sucking, licking or fucking. They manually make each other cum.

Some people masturbate in groups. I know what you all are thinking. "Zane is going way out there again !" Well, I am because I don't like my shit to be boring so deal with it or stop reading. When people masturbate in a group, it can be called several things including a "circle jerk". When it is a bunch of men sitting around the crib getting there shit off, it is called a "Jacks" party. When it is only women at the 'function', it is called a "Jills" party and if it is a open freak-for-all, it is called a "Jack-and-Jill" party. Like duh? 

The 'parties' can involve everyone getting each other off by feeling each other up or everyone can do their own thing while people watch. It is up the participants to lay down the law before the shit even goes that far. 

Before I go any further, let me resolve all the typical myths and superstitions attached to masturbation.

Will a man's dick get bigger or smaller from masturbation? Hells naw ! If that were true, half the men would be lifting dumbbells with their dicks and the other half would be limp dick leprechaun midgets. 

Can you catch a disease from masturbation? That shit is so stupid, I am not even going to go there. If you honestly have to sit there and ponder the issue, you need to seek professional help immediately cause your ass is stupid. 

Can masturbation cause a dick or pussy to become deformed? Hmmm, let me think ! Hells naw ! Do you have any idea how many people masturbate? That would mean everybody's shit would be fucked-da-hell-up.

Can other people tell if you have been masturbating? Well, there is a possibility there because most people are in the best mood after they cum so, if you are married and you haven't been getting none, your mate may be able to tell if you start dancing around the house and singing "I Did It My Way" after your ass has been locked up in the bathroom for a half-hour.

Is masturbation only for people who can't get some 'real' sex? Once again, hells naw ! Truth be known, people who masturbate are generally more open sexually than their counterparts. Basically, if you don't masturbate and play around with 'things', how will you know for sure what gets you off best? You mate can't tell cause the only psychics are clocking $3.99 a minute from fools who call them up when they don't have shit else to do. By the way, this doesn't have a damn thing to do with the topic at hand but if psychics know so damn much and can pick winning lottery numbers, why are all their asses still working? Maybe we should all utilize our ten free minutes, blow up the phone lines and find out.

Here are some more of my favorite myths in no significant order of importance because they are all bullshit.

You will make yourself sick if you eat your own cum.

You will go blind, bald, insane, grow hair on your palms and your dick will fall off.

You won't be able to get jiggy with a partner if you masturbate. Chile please ! 

You will become obsessed with masturbation. I cannot tell a lie. I might have that problem but it's all good. Better than being obsessed with eating chitterlings.

You will burn in hell for masturbating. Oh well, I better buy me a thong bikini cause it may get kind of humid down there.

There are several other terms for "jacking off" including "Beat your meat like it owes you money", "Butter the corn", "Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come", "Educating Peter", "Evicting the testicular squatters", "Five against one", "Getting in touch with your inner-self", "Givin' Yul Brenner a high-five", "Hand to gland combat", "Innoculate the newborn", "Launching the Tadpoles", "Little pinky hit the slinky", "Meet your right-hand man", "One-eye target practice", "One-eye target practice", "Pumping gas at the self-service island", "Running the whack-a-thon", "Sifting through the nest to find mama bird", "Spit-shining the boots", "Squeezing the cream filling from the twinkie", "Surfing on the Milky Highway", "Take matters into your own hands", "Teach your dog to spit", "Tug o' war with ol' Cyclops" and "Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm".

Likewise, there are several other terms for "jilling off" including "Brushing the beaver", "Doing my nails", "Doing the Two Finger Slot Rumba", "Finger blasting", "Flicking the bean", "Going Mining", "Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat", "Making soup", "Nulling the void", "Paddling the pink canoe", "Parting the red sea", "Playing the beaver", "Playing The Silent Trombone", "Rolling the dough", "Strumming the banjo", "Surfin' the channel", "The two fingered tango", "Tickling the taco" and "Toggling the bit ".

Now for those sexually-repressed people turning their noses up at me right about now, let me ask you why the hell you are still reading this? There is nothing wrong with masturbating because if you don't want to touch your own dick or coochie coo, why the hell should someone else? I have often wondered why people thing it is more kosher and acceptable to touch someone else's privates and not their own. At least you know where yours have been. You follow?

Zane