Zane's Erotica Noir-March 1999

Zane's Erotica Noir eMonthly
March 1999

Endeavors Erotica Newsletter
Volume Seven
March 1999

Welcome to the 7th Volume of my erotica newsletter !
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This newsletter includes:
Jokes
Be My Valentine by Zane
An Excerpt from How To Make Love To A Woman-Mind and Body by Zane
The Subway-A Quickie by Zane

JOKES
1) Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, "You tell your girlfreind to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear "Your sister likes this position, too." Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

2) What do you get when Tonto and Monica Lewinski are under a car hood together?
A blown Injun!

3) A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. He added, "But confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded "confidentially, me too."

4) These three women were roommates. One night they all had gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

5) Models on a plane Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost all power to the engines of the plane and are going to make an emergency crash landing- Please assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models look at each other and start preparing for the worst. Claudia quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, Naomi and Rachel ask: "What in the hell are you doing Claudia fixing up your make-up -- we are about to fricking crash!" "Well, I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the people who have the best looking faces-this is why I am putting on my make-up." Immediately Rachel Hunter rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel have you lost your fucking senses?? Why are you baring you breasts for everyone to see-we are about to die!" Rachel responds: "I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts-this is why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Rachel yell: "Naomi - Are your fucking crazy?? Why are you exposing your pussy for everyone to see?" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCH PLEASE! I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!"

6) It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

7) A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

8) Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of her hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," replied the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He then said, "Can you speak?" When again she shook her head no, he promptly pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she immediately coughed up the obstruction and was able to breathe! Upon sitting back down on the stool by his friend, the Texan remarked, "Funny how that Hind-Lick Maneuver always works!"

9) A prostitute goes into the tax preparer to get her tax form done. "Okay," says the tax guy, "We need to list your profession for income purposes." "Well," she says, "Prostitution." "No, no we can't put that down!" the tax guy says. "Oh well, then a hooker," she says. "No, no, still won't accept that." So she thinks for a minute and replies, "Chicken farmer." "Chicken farmer?" says the tax guy. "Sure," she says, "I raised over 200 cocks last year!"

I am very late with this Valentine's Day story since there was no February newsletter but I hope you enjoy it :-)

Be My Valentine
By Zane
Copyright©1998
AOL Screenname : Endeavors
All Rights Reserved

It is twelve noon on the dot when I prance into your office as instructed by the agency. I am dressed in white tights and black mid-high heel tap shoes with red ribbon in my hair. What is most striking about me was the huge red heart, about twice the size of my body, made out of quilted material.
I had only been working with the singing telegram agency for a little over a week, hoping to cut down of a little bit of the financial stress attending the College of Music at the state university was putting on me, when I was overwhelmed with assignments for Valentine's Day. You were my fifth one and the day was only halfway over. My feet were sore, my head was hurting and the heart was making my skin itch but I still managed to smile as I entered your office.
I almost tripped over an extension cord because I couldn't see my feet since the costume was so big. You caught me just in time before I toppled to the floor. It was then our eyes first met and you had the most sensitive, beautiful eyes I have ever seen on a man. The warmth emitting from your hands made my heart skip a beat.
You let go of my arm and the trance was broken, I regained my balance and then told you my name was Yardley and I was from the Songs R Us Singing Telegram Agency. I informed you were the lucky recipient of a singing telegram from a woman named Shannon and asked you to confirm that you were indeed Clarence.
Once you assured me your name was Clarence, I handed you the card from her and started tap dancing my little heart out, sore feet and all. You found the song I sang, about Cupid shooting you with his arrow, very amusing. Our eyes met again and I realized how sexy you truly were.
I finished my little song and dance routine and reached into my bag so I could get the box of chocolate candy included in the package deal. You graciously accepted it from me and I was on my way out the door, after telling you to have a nice day, when you asked me to hold up a minute.
You reached into your pocket and withdrew a ten dollar bill but I refused it; I made you aware that all tips were already taken care of. Once again, I said goodbye and headed towards the door; once again, you asked me to wait a moment.
At that point, I began to get a bit confused. My next assignment was clear across town and I was pressed for time so I told you I really had to go. That's when you started talking real fast, trying to fill me in on the whole sorted story before I disappeared out of your life for good.
You explained how Shannon, the woman who sent the telegram, was your ex-girlfriend who you recently discovered cheating with a close friend, how you had made no bones about telling her it was over and done with, but she was being persistent trying to get you back.
As interesting as the whole thing was, I was wondered what any of it had to do with me; so I asked. That's when you told me how cute you thought I was, asked me was I involved with anyone and, when I replied with no one special, you asked me out on a Valentine's date later in the evening.
I started making up excuses on top of excuses at first, telling you how much studying I needed to do, how tired I would probably be after working all day and so on. It turned out Shannon was not the only persistent one because you kept on me until I committed myself to the date.
I wrote down my address and phone number and hurried out. You yelled behind me, letting me know you would be there to pick me up about eight. As I got in the elevator, I had the biggest blush on my face. You were so sexy and I was so excited. I was depressed about spending Valentine's Day alone and, in the span of a few minutes, all that had changed.
The rest of the afternoon passed by swiftly. Time always flies when you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off. I was beat after spending the whole day hopping on and off subway trains since it was the fastest way to get from place to place and not have to worry about parking. People on the subway trains had gotten a big kick out of seeing me dressed up like a heart, with the exception of this one little bratty kid who kicked me in my leg and then ran away before I could stuff a tap shoe up his ass.
I got back to my dormitory room and was exhausted as hell but I had no intention of breaking the date with your sexy ass. I took a long, hot shower which helped refresh my aching bones, took the red ribbon out my hair and transformed myself into a sexual diva by the time you arrived to pick me up.
The look on your face told me how pleased you were at the "new" me. Instead of being cute as your described in your office, I was a hottie in the red spandex, above the knee dress and red high heel pumps I had on. When you pulled up in your black jag, I was anxiously waiting for you in the community room of the dorm. It took every inch of willpower in my body to keep myself from rushing you at the door.
Instead, I let one of my dorm sisters answer the door when you rang the bell and pretended like I wasn't pressed. She showed you to the community room, where you handed me a dozen long-stem red roses, box of candy and teddy bear holding a little red pillow which had "Be My Valentine" embroidered on it.
I was extremely impressed you would shower me with so many gifts having just met me that afternoon. I told you how much I appreciated the gifts, asked my dorm sister to put the roses in a vase for me and take them, along with the other items, up to my room.
We drove downtown and you surprised me with a horse and buggy carriage ride through the park. It was so romantic and I can't ever remember a man treating me with such a special evening. Little did I realize, the night was far from over.
We spent the entire carriage ride getting to know each other better. I told you all about growing up on a farm down south and you shared your city upbringing with me. It was obvious we came from two complete different backgrounds but we got along like old buddies.
After the carriage ride, we got back in your car and headed to a restaurant/jazz club in the suburbs. I had heard the place was very nice but had never been there.
We had a lovely steak dinner, with champagne, while listening to the band play some awesome jazz music.
It was then you took me totally off guard, got up from the table and went up on the stage to sit in with the band. You shook hands with a couple of the fellows in the band, who you obviously knew, and one of them handed you a saxophone.
You announced to the whole audience you were dedicating your sax solo to me and I couldn't help but blush. You played the saxophone with such grace and perfection, it made my heart skip a beat like it did when you touched me in your office.
I was so happy to find out we share a love of music and it made my interest and admiration grow for you every moment. When you finished your solo, the audience gave you a standing ovation; I stood up and clapped louder than any of the rest.
We kicked it way into the late night hours, sipping more champagne, listening to the band and delving deep into each other's minds. Halfway into the second bottle of champagne, I knew I wanted to make love to you before the night was over.

It was getting near closing time and I was quite tipsy which made me bold enough to talk freaky to you. I told you I wanted you to take me someplace and fuck me in all three holes till I passed out and a look of astonishment came over your face.
You recovered quickly and quickly paid the check. But, instead of leaving the club like I thought we would, you led me through the kitchen and up a stairwell. The club was on the street level of a large building; we walked up a good four flights and I had no idea where you were taking me.
I thought you were nuts when you stopped at the top of one of the flights of stairs and started unlatching a window. You pushed the window up and the cold February air started breezing in. You helped me out on to the fire escape; it was a little difficult because my dress was so tight.
I told you about my tremendous fear of heights and you reassured me nothing would happen to me. Once you kissed me, all my fear disappeared and I became lost in your touch. Your kisses were so tender, your hands were so gentle and my pussy was so incredibly wet.
I started to unbuckle your belt while you began to work on my dress, pulling it up and exposing first my thighs and then my red satin panties. I got your pants unzipped and whipped out your dick. I told your to sit down on the steps of the fire escape and I sat on the step directly below the one you were on.
I started sucking your dick, immediately getting to partake of some delicious precum which only made me want to suck it all in. So, that's exactly what I did; I deep throated your dick until I could feel your balls slamming up against my chin as I took it in and out my warm mouth.
You leaned back on your elbows and enjoyed being my late night dessert. I pulled your pants down further, around your knees and spread your legs, biting gently on your kneecaps as I worked my way up to your balls. I carefully took your ball sack into my mouth and then suckled on it, contracting my cheek muscles around it.
I sucked you long and hard; I had never sucked a man's dick so fervently before and that, mixed with the excitement of being on a fire escape, turned my ass out. I sucked you royally, like the Nubian king that you are, until you gave me the succulent treasure I was hunting for and came in my mouth. I sucked you soft and then worked at it until it was hard again. After all, we still had some unfinished pleasure to attend to.
Once you were hard again, you got up and told me to get on my knees on one of the steps and spread my legs. I complied and pushed my booty out to meet you as you rubbed the head of your thick, juicy dick up and down the crack of my ass.
I was craving for you to take my ass but you moved your dick further down and aimed for my pussy instead. Your dick entered me and I was dazed; so many nights I had dreamt of a dick completely filling my pussy to the brim like yours.
You started fucking me hard, just the way I love it and spread open my ass cheeks so you could finger fuck my ass at the same time. Before you pushed your finger all the way in my ass, I was cumming like all hell.
You used your free hand to reach around and caress my hard nipples, managing to pop one out of my cleavage-showing dress and bra with little effort. We could hear all the horns and tires hitting potholes on the street below. For a few moments, I had forgotten we were so high up. I looked down and saw all the people and cars and almost freaked.
Being the intelligent man you are, you sensed my fear and told me to enjoy it and give you all my pussy. I started grinding on your dick hard, trying to grip onto it like a vice every time it tapped the bottom of my pussy.
I am not sure exactly how long we stayed up on that fire escape fucking but, by the time we went back downstairs, the place was practically deserted except for the band members getting their things together and the manager.
You took me up on the stage, grabbed the sax again and played me a private solo. Then, I grabbed a microphone and sang a romantic ballad to you I wrote for one of my music classes.
You made a Valentine's Day, which otherwise would have been spent in my dorm room feeling lonely and depressed, and turned it into the best one I ever had. Instead of taking me back to my dorm, you did what I requested in the restaurant; you took me home to your penthouse apartment and fucked me in all three holes until I passed out.
Now, I live in the penthouse with you and every day is Valentine's Day because every day you give me your heart and I give you mine.

An Excerpt From
How To Make Love To A Woman-
Mind and Body
By Zane
Copyright@1997
AOL Screenname : Endeavors
All Rights Reserved
Women do want you to:

1. Attend to the nonsexual aspects of your relationship. If a woman is not feeling good and comfortable about you or the relationship, the door to sex will be closed. Whether it is a new or developed relationship, make sure you are indeed relating.
2. Be there for her when you say you will be. Don't make dates and then break them, forget about plans and never take sex or business into the bedroom while you are being affectionate or sexual; that is a major turn off cause it makes the woman feel like she is not the center of your attention. Which means don't let your eyes keep roaming around the room as if you're searching for someone better either. I hate men who do that shit. :-)

3. Let her know how you feel about her. Pay her compliments cause some women in established relationships can't even remember the last time their man told them what he finds beautiful, striking, attractive, exciting or sexy about her. Dayum shame, I say.

4. Listen to her and take her words seriously, especially when she says no and when she requests a change in what you are doing. Many women feel they don't get listened to sexually (and generally) and it drives them crazy and, sometimes, even out the fucking door.
5. Learn to enjoy nonsexual touching and sensuality. Cuddle, bathe together, give foot and back rubs, wash and brush her hair. Women don't always want touching to lead to sex.
6. Be honest and do not misrepresent yourself. Lying in order to have sex comes from the childish idea of conquest. Don't say you can't have babies when you can, that you will use a condom when you won't, that you love her when you don't, that you are not married when you are and that you are disease free when you know your ass isn't. If you are not the right person for her, why not just accept that fact and move on?
7. Take responsibility and a woman will appreciate you all the more. It is as much your responsibility as hers to make sure the kids get in bed, to ensure privacy and to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. I am sick of sorry-ass men saying it is the woman's fault if she gets pregnant. What kind of fucking tree did they fall off of? A coconut tree most probably cause they have heads with nothing but liquid inside. Reality check men. HELLO!!!!!
8. Start slow and gentle and away from her pussy unless it is one of those rare clothes-ripping-off-got-to-have-your-ass-or-I-am-gonna-bust moments. Before you grab a woman's breasts or her pussy, kiss her in other places and arouse her. Men get hard when the wind blows but women need some stimulation to get their pussy wet. Which is the reason, by the way, that some women fake headaches at sex time. Cause they know good and dayum well by the time their man busts a quick nut in them, they will barely be sexually aroused, rather less able to have an orgasm themselves so why fuck in the first place?? So now you know the REAL HEADACHE- LOL
9. Express yourself sexually. Even though men are supposed to be the big sex talkers, often times the only way your woman knows your ass came is cause you stop moving. So talk to us and tell us what turns you on. And I don't mean telling us that by relating how some woman in your past got your juices flowing either cause that is a big no-no.
10. Take rejections gracefully cause even bomb ass lovers get turned down from time to time. If she doesn't feel like it, so be it. Don't pout and shit. There will be other opportunities.
11. Take sex anyway she is willing to give it. If she doesn't want you to bend her into a pretzel that day, do it doggie style. If she doesn't want to swallow your cum, shoot that shit someplace else. She accepts it when you have those two-minute brother days so stay flexible and open to the possibilities.
12. Be adventurous and imaginative, suggest new ways and places. Ask her to fuck you in the backyard sometimes, in the shower, on the roof, in the car even if it is parked in the garage. Men are often guilty of the same thing they accuse women of; lack of imagination. Chances are, you make her aware that's what you want and she will reciprocate.
13. Confront problems, especially your own. If some aspect of sex is problematic, don't pretend it doesn't exist.
14. Be romantic every now and then. Most men are only romantic when they are trying to hook your ass and then, once they get settled into a relationship, you guys sit on the couch, drink beer, watch sports and pass gas. Remember to act like this is the first or second date once and awhile. Romance has more to do with the way you act than making fancy plans and buying things. Make a woman feel loved.
15. Last but definitely not fucking least and men, this is vital. Keep your ass awake after sex, at least some dayum time. SHEESH! Women want to hug, talk, stay connected in some way for at least a moment or two after fucking. Otherwise, she is likely to say, "He got what he wanted, now his ass ain't interested!" and that will surely lead to trouble. I know there is nothing worse than a man fucking me, then cumming and saying some shit like, "I could fall asleep just laying here inside you!" Don't no woman want a man, with a dangling ass condom inside of them, falling asleep two seconds after sex. Fuck all that!

The Subway - A Quickie
By Zane
Copyright © 1997
AOL Screenname : Endeavors
All Rights Reserved

It is a late night and we are returning from a show downtown. We are on the subway and there are just a few passengers scattered here and there. We hug and kiss; no one pays us any attention and soon we begin to get hot and heavy. You slide your hand under my blouse and begin to caress my breasts. My hand slides up your thigh and grabs at your dick

I have a short skirt on and your other hand begins to slide up my thigh. Soon your hand is all the way up to my pussy and you begin to slide my panties to the side. I push your hand away and continue to kiss you; your dick is as hard as steel. I continue to rub it and then unzip your pants. You try to slide your finger behind my panties again but I don't stop you this time and soon your finger is buried in my wetness.

Your dick is out of your pants now and we get more heated I am stroking it and humping my hips back and forth on your finger. Then I lean down and take the head of your dick into my mouth and begin to suck on it, licking all around the head and down the shaft. You moan softly and hold the back of my head, caressing my hair with your fingertips.

I stop and begin to slide my panties down and off. I soon have them completely off and I hold them to your face. You smell the sweet aroma of my pussy as I now face you and straddle you. We find that this is uncomfortable and I turn around with my back to you. Slowly, I let your dick part the lips of my hot clit as I climb on top of it. Gently, you grab my buttocks and help me go up and down on the shaft.

I put my hands on your knees for leverage and get into a rhythmic motion as you push your manhood deeper and deeper into my paradise. You let go of my hips and reach in front of me and start pinching my nipples. I start to tremble and my excitement is uncontrollable. I look around the subway and realize that now people are watching but neither one of us care.

I start riding your dick harder and harder and I can feel myself climaxing at top speed as the subway train rattles along the tracks in the dark tunnel. I climax with an explosion and you tell me you are cumming. I slowly climb off you dick, turn around and begin jacking it off with my hand. I rub it harder and harder until you can't hold it anymore and you explode.

We look at each other and laugh realizing what we have just done. The few passengers left on the train start applauding us and yelling approving remarks. Quickly, we replace all our loose clothing, still gasping for air after such a gratifying act As we deboard the train at the next stop, you take my panties off the floor, the one item I forgot to replace, and you tie them onto the post of the seat where we made love, marking the spot of our transgression. Giggling and holding hands, we sneak briskly off into the night. Now that's what I call a quickie.

Well, this concludes my newsletter. I hope you all enjoy!
Peace,
Zane
The Sex Chronicles

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