Zane's Erotica Noir eMonthly
December 1998


Endeavors Erotica Newsletter
Volume Six
December 1998

Welcome to the 6th Volume of my erotica newsletter!
If you would like to be removed from my mailing list, simply put 
"REMOVE ME" in the subject line and email me at endeavors@aol.com 
If you would like to be added to my mailing list, simply put "ADD ME TO YOUR LIST" in the subject line and email me at endeavors@aol.com 

Greetings Everyone! Here is wishing everyone a happy holiday season. This month's newsletter is in one part because the holiday strain has kept me pretty much in the streets since I am the single mother of two. I hope that you will enjoy and I will see you next month with a more detailed and informative letter. I also hope to have my web sites back up and running in the next couple of months and I will be sure to keep you informed. This issue contains:

Condomania
Tale of a Presidential Trip
Some of my favorite adult jokes
Under The Mistletoe by Zane


Condomania
InSpiral- The newest brand on the market has bagginess built in for lots more feel good friction. 12 for $11.95 (Highlight: Rolls on easily and fits like a second skin).
Crown- This love sack is wider than other Japanese condoms-leaving extra room for more man. 12 for $9.95 (Highlight: While it is wide and good for men with thick dicks, the smoothness can leave a lot to be desired).
Trojan Ultra Pleasure- A wider head and shaft give big guys a wild get-it-on ride. 12 for $10.95 (Highlight: This one is good for well-endowed men who like extra headroom).
Erotica Vibra-Ribbed- Classically shaped with more ribs than a Kansas City barbeque. 12 for $8.95 (Highlight: What can I say? They are ribbed :-)
Kimono MicroThin - This on-the-small-side Japanese-made pleasure pouch is super-duper thin. 12 for $9.95 (Highlight: This is a good choice for smaller men).
LifeStyles X-tra Pleasure- The hip-hop homeboy condom-super slack with a flared head. 12 for $9.95 (Highlight: This one is kind of baggy but if men like extra room at the head, it is a good choice).
Trojan Shared Sensation - Rows of bumps and ridges are topped by a baggy head. 12 for $10.95 (Highlight: Gives you room yet holds tight and is good for women who like a bumpy ride).
Avanti - Well-made pricey, and totally tasteless (the only polyurethane condom out there). 6 for $11.95 (Highlight: Since they are tasteless, they are great for oral sex).


Tale of a Presidential Trip!
(Sung to the tune of Gillagan's Island)


Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale 
A tale of a fateful trip 
That started in Hope, Arkansas 
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips.

Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones 
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.

Whitewater started getting rough.
His mighty dick was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.

Willie left town and settled in this gorgeous new White House 
With Hillary, that damn cat too, 
The Vice President and his wife, 
Kenneth Starr, and a bed 
Here at Slick Willie's Place! 

So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him
Except a piece of ass.
Except a piece of ass.

The First Lady and Tipper too
Will do their very best
To see that Willie's comfortable
In his government love nest. 
He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,

He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.
He's banged the new intern. 

So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure you will be pleased.
Just give your deposition
Down upon your knees. 
Down upon your knees.

=======================================

The 5 Kinds of Sex

Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

=================================
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. "You wanna beef with brocolli???"

=================================

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So, he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

=================================

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." 
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so." 
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so". 
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." 
"Fix the steps?" he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" 
So he goes to the bar and drinks for about an hour. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. 
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake." 
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" 
She said,"Bake a cake? Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!"


Under The Mistletoe
By Zane
Copyright©1998
AOL Screenname: Endeavors
All Rights Reserved

It is Christmas Eve and we have just returned home from the burn unit of the inner-city hospital where we always portray the black Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus. We do it every year since we both have a great love of children. We don't have any of our own yet but, it would be a crime for us not to in due time. While we wait for the stork to deliver us a baby, we always enjoy donating time to "special" children like the ones at the hospital. Seeing their faces light up, even when their little bodies are in so much pain, is just a joyous feeling.
Part of the reason I married you is because of your compassion and empathy for others. It is a trait we share along with our love of travel, books, and the art of making love. I love everything about you from the way you laugh to the way you rub your eyes like a little boy when your eyes are tired. Which is what you are doing right now, rubbing your eyes.
I go into the kitchen to get the gingerbread cookies and put on a huge kettle of water so I can make the several cups of apple cider we will need in a few minutes. You stay in the living room and start a fire. Our mantle is decorated with garland and red bows and has three stockings hung from it. One for you, one for me and one for Subzero, our Dalmatian who is somewhere snuggled up in a corner of the house.
I finish making the tray full of cider and ask you to carry it outside on the front porch while I follow behind you with the gingerbread cookies and a basket of candy canes hung on my arm. We get outside just in time to see the carolers making footprints through the blanket of snow towards our house, coming from our neighbor's, The McKenzies who always give them brand new, shiny silver dollars every Christmas Eve. It is a tradition in our neighborhood and one we hold dear.
They arrive on the walkway, which you diligently shoveled earlier in the day, and start serenading us with carols, holding their songbooks in their precious little, mitten-covered hands. They are just too cute for words. The smallest children are distracted from their songbooks, more intrigued by the way we are dressed up instead. You in your fluffy, red Santa suit with a silver wig and beard, black military boots, eyeglasses pushed down on to the tip of your nose and Santa hat. I am equally impressive in the long, old-fashioned, ankle-length red dress covered with a long white cotton apron, black pilgrim shoes, silver wig and white cotton bonnet.
We stand there overlooking the porch banister and watching them sing their little hearts out as the adult chaperones and parents look on. When they are done, we applaud them and then descend the steps so we can pass out the goodies we have for them. All the children are well-mannered, saying "Thank You Ma’am" and "Thank You Sir". We stand there, with your arm around the small of my waist, waving to them as they walk away, sipping on the warm cider and munching on the cookies.
We get back inside the house and you are about to start taking off the Santa outfit but I tell you to wait a second. I hurry to the upstairs closet to get our camera, put it up on the entertainment center and set the timer, then hurry into your arms so we can take a Christmas photo together. I figure we can use the photos on our Christmas cards we send out next year to friends and family.
Like a firecracker bursting into a kaleidoscope of light on the fourth of July, an idea pops into my head. I tell you to have a seat by the fireplace on some floor pillows. You have a bit of trouble sitting down with all the extra inches packed onto you by the pillow stuffed in your jacket and thick towels stuffed into your pants legs. After you make it down there finally, I go to the kitchen and get you a stein full of eggnog with rum and hand it to you.
I walk over to the entertainment center and flip through our tower of CDs, searching for our "Ebonics Christmas" CD your friend Dave brought us, which has a bunch of hilarious Christmas rap songs on it with kicking ass beats. I locate it, put it in the CD changer , hit play and then grab the camera. I hand it to you just as the first cut comes on, telling you, "Oooh Santa, you are so sexy. Can an old woman like me do a little dance for you?"
You start laughing and, with the pillow and all, it really looks like you weigh a good 300 lb. instead of being cut like you really are. You reply, "Dance for me Boo!"

So I begin to dance for you as the music starts :

'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in da hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill. 
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

I shake my ass off in my red dress, lifting up a hemline so you can see my black pilgrim shoes, black fishnet stockings and white, puffy cotton bloomers with elastic around my center thighs. I look like somebody's grandmother doing a hoochie dance with the silver wig on and all.

And the beat goes on :

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis!!

I turn around and undo my white cotton apron, take it off, fling it around in the air and then toss it towards you on the floor. It lands with a corner of it snagged on the edge of your glasses. You remove it , throw it beside you and sip some more eggnog.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

I unbutton my dress and pull it down off my shoulders, one at a time until it is hanging around my waist, revealing my white lace bra. I let the dress fall all the way to the floor and kick it to the side, leaving me standing there looking like old mother hubbard on ginseng. 

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

You start snapping photos telling me, "Baby, we have got to put these in the family scrapbook for the kids!" We both start giggling while I reach behind my back, unsnap my bra and let it ease down, allowing my erect nipples to break loose.

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I walk over to you, spread my legs and start gyrating my bloomers in your face, tits bouncing up and down. You grab one of my legs, put it on your shoulder and then bite my thigh through the fishnet stockings, causing me to shriek out, "Ooooh, Big Daddy, what a big appetite you have!"
You pull me down on the floor, flipping my back on the pillows by the fire, climb on top of me and take one nipple in your mouth, grabbing it between your teeth and tugging gently on it. Then you say, "My turn! Time for Santa to give you what the elves made for you. Have you been naughty or nice?"
I yell out, "NAUGHTY!", as you jump to your feet in the Santa costume and start break-dancing and unbuckling the wide ass black, patent leather belt around your artificial tummy.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

You throw the belt at me and start taking off the furry jacket, exposing the red pants held up by suspenders, over the white undershirt stuffed with a pillow. I sit up in the Indian position, start jiggling my tits to the rhythm and egg you on. "Go Big Poppi, Go Big Poppi, Go!"

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whyd ya bust my place?"
he said, “You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

I grabbed the camera and start taking pics of you while you take the suspender straps down and pull off the undershirt, letting the round pillow fall to the carpet. It is times like this I realize why I married you. You are always down to act silly with me and that's why you will make such a great daddy one day.

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto da roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that booty waitin' at home.

You take off the stuffed pants, stepping out of them, leaving nothing on you but your black military boots, beard, wig, hat, eyeglasses and boxer shorts that say "Ho-Ho-Ho" on them. You look so sexy, boo!
You turn the Ebonics CD off and switch it to some slow jams. The songs we used to listen to in high school when we first fell in love like"Fire and Desire" by Rick James and Teena Marie. Back in the days when we used to dedicate love songs to each other on the radio, fall asleep at night talking to each other on the phone, sit in class all day staring at each other across the room, having the teacher catch us passing love notes back and forth from each other and carving our names inside of hearts which said "2gether 4eva" on just about every oak tree in between your house and mine.
I lie back on the pillows and wait for you to join me. You grab the basket of candy canes sitting by the front door on your way and sit down beside me. It is such a trip looking at you with the wig and beard on. I am sure you feel the same looking at me with a wig and bonnet on.
You lie on top of me and start kissing me as you pull the hat and wig off my head, allowing my long, thick shiny hair to flow about freely. The fiber from your beard starts to get caught in my mouth so I pull it down around your chin, take your hat and wig off and then straddle my legs around your back, pulling your hard dick closer in to me. I feel your dick pulsating against my excited clit through the material of your boxers and my bloomers.
We continue to kiss for the length of two slow songs. You have always been so passionate and such a great kisser; your kisses make me melt. You take the stein of eggnog, which is almost empty and pour the remainder on my breasts. I begin to moan as you lick all the eggnog off my breasts, trying to catch every drop before it hits the floor.
I run my fingertips down your spine while you suckle on my nipples like a baby. You sit up for a moment and pull off my ugly ass pilgrim shoes and then pull my bloomers down along with the fishnets until they are completely off. My freshly shaven pussy greets you, moist from the stimulation your hands and mouth have brought the rest of my body. 
While you are on your knees, I sit up and pull down your boxers, helping you get them off. I pull the beard, which is still hanging on your chin, up and over your head and toss it aside, accidentally flinging it in to the fireplace. You try to catch it but it goes up in flames in a matter of seconds and we break out in laughter.
Our eyes meet and all the love we feel overwhelms us, both of us knowing what lies ahead. You reach over and pull a big candy cane out of the basket and stick the long part into my mouth. I take it in, deep-throating it like it is your dick and place my hands on top of your hand holding it as you push it in and out.
Once the candy cane is nice and sticky, you pull it out my mouth, use your other hand to spread open the lips of my pussy and then slowly glide it in. I start contracting my pussy muscles on it each time you stick it all the way in, leaving only the curved part sticking out. You start sucking my breasts again, I hold one for you, squeezing it so it is even more profound, while you continue to fuck me with the candy cane.
You take the candy cane out and then lick it, tasting the mixture of the mint with my pussy juice. You utter, "Ummmm! Dayum delicious!"
You hold it up to my mouth saying, "Taste how delicious you are." I comply by licking around the cane with the tip of my tongue, tasting my own nectar. I know how much it turns you on to see me taste myself and your dick, which was previously just hard, turns rock hard like a battery ram. 
I tell you to lie down and then I climb on top of you, placing my pussy smack on your face as my mouth makes it way towards your beautiful dick. My mouth is still sticky from the candy and, as I suckle on the head of your dick, it mixes with the pre cum oozing out of it. 
I feel your tongue flickering in and out of my pussy while I start licking around the shaft of your dick, grabbing hold of the base of it so it doesn't escape the spectrum of my tongue. I move your dick aside so I can lick your balls as you begin to shiver and moan because it is such a sensitive area. 
I begin to wax your entire dick with my mouth while you part my ass cheeks and insert a single finger which makes me flinch as you continue to suck on my sweet clit. Cum starts to trickle down my inner thighs onto your cheeks and even a drop of two makes its way into your ear canals.
Your dick overflows my mouth and saliva starts to trickle out the corners of my thick, juicy lips. Whenever I am sucking your dick, I feel the most close to you. It is like I am sucking the life out of you and there is something so erotic about it.
You cum inside my mouth and the heated, candied-flavored because of the candy cane on my tongue, substance makes a warm lining in my belly. You start pushing your finger in my ass faster and faster, pulling my pussy deeper onto your tongue until I cum also, leaving you with a smile on your glazed face. 
You wanna go upstairs but I tell you I wanna make a quick stop in the kitchen. Once we are in the kitchen, I tell you to sit on the tabletop. I go over to the counter and get one of the decorating tubes full of homemade frosting I used to make the gingerbread men. I push your back on to the table, climb on top of you and then start squeezing the confectionery, red frosting onto your chest, making a design on it. I make your nipples look like eyes, squeeze a line down the center of your chest forming it like a nose and make your belly button look like a mouth.
Methodically, I lick all the frosting off you. You say the words you always say to me during love-making, “You are so crazy, baby! But, I love your crazy ass!”
“I love you too, Boo!” I tell you with a mouth covered with red frosting. I kiss you and you lick some of the frosting off. Then, I go back to the task at hand until I have licked every inkling of it off.
Then you inform me, "I wanna do you too but you know what I want to decorate." I snickered cause I knew, right off the bat, you meant my ass.
I climb off you, you get up from the table, go get the tube of green frosting and tell me to, "Assume the position!"
As you take a seat in one of the chairs at the square table, I get in the doggy style position so my ass is all in your face. You start to decorate my ass like a face as well and you even put a fancy hairdo on it. After you decide it looks enough like a Van Gogh, you eat it all up boo while I absorb every second of the pleasure it brings.
We hear a noise, a whimper and both of us turn our heads to see our dog, Subzero, standing in the kitchen doorway with his head bent to the side in curiosity, wondering what freaky shit his owners are up to this time. You throw him a gingerbread cookie and tell him to get. He catches it in his mouths and heads back to his cozy corner to snack on his treasure. 
You sweep me up into your arms and almost break out in a run carrying me up the staircase, taking on two steps at a time. You take me in our bedroom, toss me on the bed and shut our door so Subzero won't make any more sudden appearances for the rest of the night.
The bedroom is dark and the only light is coming from the electric candles held by the animated, miniature black Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus dolls. There is one in each of the bedroom windows so passerbys can see them waving as they drive by.
There is a single piece of mistletoe hanging in the center of our headboard and the bed is covered with the homemade quilt we purchased from the Amish on a recent weekend getaway in Pennsylvania. It is there, on the quilt, we make our own beautiful music together before falling asleep in each other's arms.


Have a Blessed and Joyous Holiday Season and Please Remember
Don't Drink and Drive!

Peace and Much Love,
Zane

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